Taking Out The Cache (a 2017 reboot)

Gifted bulbs lighten unobtrusive primary colours above my musical disk scratcher, spinning a sweetly thicc catalogue of beats following the holidays. It is with these occipital and auditory sensation cakes, with a smoking tail of Egyptian Jasmine, that I welcome you to January twenty-seventeen. My fingers tap warily unto this computer keyboard, the brittle phalangelical extensions acute to the macabre coincidence that the upon this blog’s hiatus, a succession of high profile celebrity fatalities did follow. Ergo, I proceed with caution, willing this year to bring less death to beloved virtuosos, with perhaps an increased tendency for ‘accidental’ far-right populist casualties.

I stress that was ‘half’sarcasm, just in case..

I see it best not to indulge you, dear attentive reader, in the gaping peaks and troughs of my twenty sixteen. Rather, I am inviting myself to massage your axons with the detail of a plan to reinvent myself, conceived by me, JP. Like many others choose to at this arbitrary point in the path around our star, I’ve considered what is important to me to accomplish a healthy twentieth year of my life. For my own sanity, and for vacuous internet acclaim, I have constructed a list of means to meet the end of it and hopefully beyond into the twenty-first year old realm. Pree :

1. Look and dress like a G, ere day.
I’ve had enough of being underwhelmed by the stickman that stares back at me in the mirror before leaving the house each day. My hours morning until evening spent painfully ruminating on faults I cannot help but notice in my hair – barnet and beard – the shapes on my face and the combinations of fabric it oversees. Twenty-sixteen, with it’s timetable of nine-am lectures proceeding late nights on the lash, habituated me to a lack of respect for my appearance, excused by ‘time constraints’. This year I am recognising that I can make time to show my body some respect, and already I am feeling better for it. My lid now lays short and flat as opposed to slicked back, so no longer am I contending with blowdryer-associated quiff anxiety disorder. I have collected special potions that open my pores and cleanse deep into the craters in my face, or something, and I take time sculpting my chin bush into quirky shapes. Previously, I have viewed my body as an afterthought or a shameful inconvenience. However, I have discovered that looking after one’s form is an integral ritual of self-love, and has gratefully boosted my self-esteem and confidence no end.

Further, I have never been completely happy with my wardrobe at any point in my life, a cave of amassed outgrown button-ups and over washed jeans that never really combined quite right. With money earned and some gifted from Christmas, I hit up Wild Pony vintage shop in Falmouth and the Asos oversized section and did a nice spendy. Socks have made a comeback for me after a two year stint of bare ankles below rolled up jeans. I’m a looser fit trouser bean now with less dependance on the skinny jean pant, combined with ample tucking and layering with chipper flannels or XL comfy jumpers. Where I once used to dread dressing in the morning, I now look forward to trying out new styles and utilising the full catalogue of my cloth cupboard. Again this has rewarded me with a noticeable elevation in my confidence, with a drive to be more social and outgoing. So far, point number one in the twenty-seventeen reinvention is serving me well. Moving on.

2. Get organised. Keep a diary, plan and schedule events and workloads.
The university student lifestyle is hailed for its flexible work/social timetabling, with an often boozy imbalance of the two. Although complacency here can be the precursor to serious stress, anxiety and depression when coursework deadlines and exam season is unplanned for. The penultimate day to the hand in of my latest research report was spent sat on the same sofa fretting and sweating in the library for ten hours straight. This is not a skress I am motivated to repeat. To quash the foolery of disorganised living, one has copped a physical paper diary. It is my child I take everywhere I go. Contact numbers are noted, lecture times are programmed and daily action plans are devised e.g revise brains, learn more things, get a better job, continue to blindly march through the all encompassing black abyss of three figure overdrafts …I mean if you don’t look is it really there? All I eat is frozen pitta breads please someone airdrop pizza into Southsea, ibeg.

3. Become more eloquently dictioned.
Yes, I understand the irony in the wording of point three. Well spotted. However, I would also like to understand the meaning of irony and other intellectual words that I could throw into casual conversation for bants. Recently I have reignited my love of reading, its meditative escapism of looking at ink in particular shapes on paper. With this and the return of Russel Brand and his Trews broadcasts, I have fallen back in love with the quirky, creative and elaborate use of language. Why use an everyday adjective when there is a fantastic eight letter synonym you could substitute for it? I’m making sure to accumulate a glossary of interesting words in my diary ready to amaze unsuspecting linguistic normies. Some favourites so far:
– Accoutrements – noun – An additional item of dress or equipment
– Laconic – adjective – (a person in speech or writing) using very few words
– Seditious – adjective – inciting or causing people to rebel against the authority of a state or monarch
This enables literally very brief instances of nerdfun that comes from conceptualising sentences such as; ‘Lesley was laconic in character, despite the illusion of an exuberant personality that one might extrapolate from his many flamboyant accoutrements. He had a cunning, seditious appetite which he was revered for amongst his contemporaries.’ Another upside is it makes you feel like you’re actually learning something when in actuality you are just incredibly bored by the contents of wordy pretentious journals, editorials or… blog posts.
So in sum, these are some bits I’m going to be doing in the new year. Welcome to it, I hope it treats you and those you love well. I plan on typing on this website a couple of times a month throughout the year. Stick around, tell/blackmail your friends into joining in on all the fun we have here, where I talk about myself for a thousand words and expect people to wade through this convoluted sea of millennial crywank. I’ll check back in after a Hooch and some more Vice articles. Doggos.



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